


Learning

by Jensine70



Series: Along the Road [4]
Category: Veronica Mars (TV), Veronica Mars - All Media Types
Genre: Drama, Drama & Romance, F/M, Friendship, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:01:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24945034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jensine70/pseuds/Jensine70
Summary: Sequel to: Commence (Along the Road – part 3). This fic fills in the years between Season 3 and the movie. Skimming over some years and "zooming in" on certain events. Keeping some of the canon version of these years (as told in movie), but much has changed (events and locations). This series will conclude in Part 5. [NOTE: the last 5 chapters of Part 3 were posted 28 June 2020, the same day as Chap 1 of this fic]
Relationships: Veronica Mars/Eli "Weevil" Navarro, Veronica Mars/Original Male Character, Veronica Mars/Stosh "Piz" Piznarski
Series: Along the Road [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/982917
Comments: 19
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last 5 chapters of Commence (Along the Road – part 3) were posted the SAME DAY as this chapter.  
> Click back if you need to.
> 
> If you did NOT read the long A/N explanation at the end of Commence, PLEASE do that before you read this chapter.
> 
> We are now in post-Season 3 territory.  
> Chapter 1 occurs at the end of April 2007.  
> About one hour after THE END of Commence (Along the Road – Part 3).
> 
> After 3 fics [more than 200K words telling 2.5 years of storyline], you are finally gonna get a little of Eli's POV in this chapter – in the form of a letter he gives to V to read. And it's gonna turn the last 6+ months of storyline on its head.

The sound of the wind and waves was nothing compared to the roar inside my head. And it was overwhelming.

I've heard the phrase "my head is swimming" but this was the first time it had ever felt like there were waves crashing inside my head.

I was sitting on a bench, staring out at the ocean, trying to make sense of things. I hadn't cried this much in a long time. If the front of my tshirt – which I had used to wipe away my tears – was any indication, then I had mascara all over my face.

I looked down at the pages in my hands. Three sheets of paper. Handwritten. Front and back.

He'd had a lot to say. A lot that he hadn't been telling me.

Six months' worth of unspoken feelings and untold events.

When Eli and I left the student center, I had thought we would talk. He had put me on the back of his motorcycle and headed for the beach – the same beach where he had taken me after he saw Logan kiss me at the Camelot about two years ago.

Much like that day, he had sat on his bike for a long time. Although he clearly had something to say, he silently stared out at the horizon, where the water met the sky.

I had waited for him to talk. When he did, he had said he didn't know how to tell me, couldn't get the words out. He had handed me this letter, saying that he was going to take a walk. Told me to read it. Then, we could talk.

After finding a bench, I had watched him start to walk down the beach.

Finally, I had opened the letter, which was dated a week ago.

**~*~*~**

**_Veronica,_ **

**_I don't know if I'll actually give you this letter or not. But I need to at least write out my thoughts before I try to talk to you. I should have told you this stuff sooner. Much sooner. Now it feels like it's too late. I'm not sure why I waited so long. There were reasons at the beginning. Reasons that made sense, but then it just seemed like I'd waited too long. There were a few times I was going to tell you, but stuff would get in the way and it felt like there was too much to say. So I stayed quiet._ **

**_I'm sorry. For that and so many other things._ **

**_I should have told you what was going on. You deserved that. We deserved that._ **

**_I hope it's not too late._ **

**_Here goes …_ **

**_Although she didn't tell me until about a month after my grand opening, my grandmother had started having health problems again. Or I guess the word I should use is: still. Not sure if it was all brought on by the lead pipes or if that just made an existing problem worse. But the bottom line is that her blood pressure and heart problems had gotten bad enough that her doctor practically demanded that she cut back her work schedule. So she went down to part-time hours around the time the shop opened._ **

**_She told me, but then swore me to secrecy. She didn't want anyone else to know – no other family or friends. She only told me because she needed my help with bills. For a while, I was pissed at her, partly for keeping it from me for so long (like she did two years ago) but also for making me keep her secret._ **

**_Her doctor wasn't seeing any improvement with her working part-time, so she put in her two-week notice. She and I talked about what she was going to do next. Then, we talked to Bri and Ben just after her last day of work._ **

**_They agreed to our plan and to her demand of keeping quiet so the family could have a "normal" Christmas. She wanted to have one last Christmas in the house. That's why I asked you to take photos for me to give to my family._ **

**_As soon as her Christmas tree came down, she started to pack up the house. I had already moved my stuff out in the fall, but she still had a lot of stuff to deal with. And I was the only one helping her._ **

**_That's why I was so thankful when you started being_** **_more careful. I needed_ ** **_one part of my life to be calm and drama-free. And I didn't have the time or energy to be your protector._ **

**_A couple weeks after the holidays, she had a heart attack while packing and cleaning. She was alone at the house and called me at work. Said she wasn't feeling well. I had her call her doctor while I was driving over. He told her it might be a heart attack (apparently women's symptoms are different) and that she should go to the ER. The only reason she didn't call an ambulance was because I was on my way._ **

**_She was in the hospital for about a week. In between visiting hours, I would go to her house to pack._ **

**_Right about the time she was discharged, one of my full-time guys quit. That made things complicated for a while. I had to get her moved to Bri and Ben's place, plus find time to drive back and forth to see her. That was around the time I said I thought we needed a break. By then, she had told the family what was going on. So, she would have been okay with me telling you, but things had gotten so complicated. I'd been keeping it from you for months. And you were avoiding me._ **

**_The day I visited you in jail – you know how wrong that sounds, right? – I got dragged along with Mac, Parker, and Logan on a scavenger hunt. That night, I had some time to talk to Mac. I didn't tell her everything, but I told her some. And it felt good to get it out. I didn't swear her to secrecy. Honestly, I assumed that she would say something to you. In fact, I really hoped she would. It would save me from having to figure out how to tell you myself. But she didn't tell you. When she figured out that you didn't know, she chewed my ass for not telling you, for putting her in that position._ **

**_I was prepared to tell you that night I came to meet you at Parker's party. But when I saw you with Piz … I'm not even sure how to explain it. Like my emotions overloaded and I was numb from the pain. The pain of what I saw, of what had been happening between us, my grandma's health, the stress at work. Just all of it._ **

**_In the middle of all that, I spent a night at the B &B and talked with Bri a lot. Also spent hours walking up and down the beach. She suggested that I think about finding a therapist. She said that between all the current stuff, plus Felix's death and everything else that happened during high school, she thought I should talk to someone qualified to help me sort that out. So I did. And it definitely helped._ **

**_I don't think I would have been able to handle seeing you (when you brought your car in for inspection and when I asked you to take Carlos's case) if I hadn't started going to therapy. Even still, it was hard as hell._ **

**_You said that you weren't dating Piz then, but not long after that Mac told me that you were. That was hard to hear. But not as painful as when Dick came into the shop and showed me that video._ **

**_I really am sorry for everything that happened that day. I don't think I've ever been that angry in my life. I was in my car driving over there before I even stopped to think. I didn't even tell anyone at the shop that I was leaving._ **

**_The stuff you said that day and what happened (me losing control like that) made me think a lot. Thankfully, I had a therapy session scheduled for the next day._ **

**_She's the one who suggested I try writing all this out before I tried to tell you. Also suggested that it would give me a backup plan. That if I couldn't find the words when I was face to face with you, then I could just hand you this._ **

**_I love you, Mia. More than I will ever be able to tell you. And I know I screwed up. Many times. I did some things, said some things, and reacted in ways that I wouldn't have (or at least I hope I wouldn't have ) if I hadn't been under all that stress. But the biggest thing I did wrong was keep all of this from you. I tried to compartmentalize things. And it helped a little to have one part of my life feel "normal." For a while anyway. But that wasn't fair to you or us._ **

**_I'm not telling you this to get you back. I'm just telling you because you deserve to know._ **

**_But if you'll have me, I'll do whatever it takes to make things right, to make this work._ **

**_All my love,_ **

**_Eli_ **

**_P.S. If this letter is even half decently written, that's all on you. And all the time you spent tutoring me. If you ever decide to change career paths, you'd make a damn fine teacher._ **

**~*~*~**

I'm not sure how long I sat there. Crying. Staring out at the ocean. Looking down at his letter in my lap.

Fifteen minutes? Half an hour? Long enough that I began to wonder when he would be coming back.

I looked down the beach in the direction he had gone. I could see someone, but I couldn't tell which direction they were walking or if it was him.

After a few minutes of watching the person come toward me, I was fairly certain it was Eli. A few minutes more, and I was absolutely sure.

As I stood up, he stopped walking. We both stood still, watching each other.

My heartbeat sped up, and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

Why did he stop?

Only one way to find out. I walked toward him.

He stood still with hands in his pockets, waiting for me.

I stopped a few feet from him. He looked down as he pushed sand around with one foot.

There was so much that we needed to talk about, so much that needed to be said. I had so many questions for him. And I needed to finally tell him everything I'd been holding back.

But the first thing I needed was the answer to one very important question: "How is she doing?"

He looked up, his eyes studying me. He seemed surprised that that was the first thing to come out of my mouth.

I stepped toward him, placing a hand on his arm. "Eli …"

"The prognosis isn't good. Her doctor says she's doing better since the hospital, but he has been careful not to say anything too … He doesn't want her … to think everything's just gonna go back to normal."

"She's gonna stay with Bri and Ben?"

"Probably. She likes it there. She feels useful – helps Bri in the kitchen, does some light cleaning. And they don't mind having her. Plus, her doctor says living at the beach seems to be good for her. She's getting out and walking every day."

When he fell silent, I asked, "How often do you see her?"

"Not often enough."

My next question for him: "How are you doing?"

He dropped his head, letting out a laugh. "You couldn't tell by the letter?"

Closing the remaining distance between us, I wrapped my arms around him. For a moment, he didn't move. Then, his arms embraced me. He leaned into me and wept on my shoulder.

The last time I had seen him cry this hard was when we got the news about Felix.

Several minutes later, he stepped away and wiped his face. He apologized for getting my shirt wet. Then, I pointed at the mascara stains and joked that I had already ruined it.

He took my hand, and we walked back toward the bench. On the way, I asked him several questions, trying to fill in the timeline of the past six months, based on what he had said in his letter. I listened as he answered every last question I threw at him. For the most part, I had figured out how the stuff in his letter lined up with the things I knew about and had been there for.

When we got back to the bench, we sat facing each other and continued talking.

First topic was everything connected with the video – the day he saw it and went after Piz, me going after The Castle, and the scene with Gory a short while ago.

"If I hadn't already accepted the internship and committed to the study abroad program, I'd be scrambling to find another excuse to get out of this town for a while." Seeing his expression, I quickly added, "Not because of you. The video. The Castle. I need … some time away from all this chaos." Sighing, I continued, "I recognize that some of the chaos is of my own making – whether or not I instigated it, I certainly didn't do much to resolve it or walk away from it."

"I'm glad to hear you recognize that."

"I do, but I'm not sure that I'm ready to completely give up working cases. It started with my need to solve Lilly's murder, but it became such a huge part of who I am … I'm not sure who I am without it. Part of the reason I started pulling away and avoiding you … was that I knew you didn't want me to—"

"I never asked you to quit working cases – just to be more careful."

I turned his words over in my head, sifted through memories. And I couldn't think of a single time that he had told me to stop. There were, however, numerous times he had asked me to "back off" or let someone else do "the dangerous stuff." If I would have told him at the time how I felt, he would have been able to tell me that I had misunderstood him. But I had kept my mouth closed.

As he stroked the back of my hand with his thumb, I asked him, "What's the answer? Why is it going to work this time?"

"I don't know. But I know we're better together than we are apart." He paused and then said, "And that we need to do a better job of communicating."

Silence fell between us again. It wasn't exactly uncomfortable, but I knew we weren't finished talking.

Looking out at the water, I let my mind wander through the events of the past several months. I began to ramble mid-thought. "I ask questions because my mind is curious. Sometimes, I don't stop to think if I really want to know the answers to those questions about the people who are close to me. But once I start, it's like I can't stop." I turned toward him as I said, "For the record, I am glad that you were honest. I just wish I wouldn't have asked the questions."

"Me too. I don't want you to see me that way – the way I was. I like it better when you look at me with respect."

"That wasn't the problem. It wasn't so much that it made me see you different … It was that it made me see myself different. It made me wonder if …"

"V?"

"It made me wonder if I wasn't enough for you."

"What are you talking about? How could you ever think that?"

Taking a deep breath, I launched in. The list of crazy thoughts tumbled out of my mouth at lightning speed. Strip clubs, being with two hookers, buying me lingerie, fulfilling his fantasies, mentioning paying for me to get a tattoo, joking about the sexy nurse costume at Halloween, getting offers from other women, and telling me a while back about the dream he had of me handcuffed to a bed.

After a brief pause, I continued, "And I seem to remember when I was arrested two years ago at school for fake IDs that I didn't make, you said something like you would have paid to see them take me out in cuffs. All this stuff piled up, rolled around in my mind, and made me feel like I wasn't enough for you … like you needed something that I wasn't giving you."

He reached for me, taking my face in his hands. " _Querida_ … you should have—"

Anticipating what he was about to say, I cut him off. "You're right. I should have told you … tried to explain how it made me feel."

He shook his head. "Should have given me an opportunity to tell you that I love you … that I love who you are, everything about you. That I don't want or need anything else." Kissing my forehead, he added, "And that you should not let those lies into your head."

My eyes got misty, and I melted into his touch. "Yeah. Hearing something like that might have helped."

"I never meant to make you feel that way. Please believe me."

"I do." I laughed lightly. "You know … I was planning to tell you all of this the night of Parker's party."

"The same night I was planning to tell you everything."

"Yeah … Looks like we've both got some learning to do when it comes to relationships and communication."

Wrapping his arms around me, he whispered in my ear. "So … we're okay?" He seemed unsure as he asked.

After a moment, I found my voice. "We will be."

We sat like that for a few minutes before he released his hold on me.

"How soon do you leave for your internship?"

"A week after my last final. So, two weeks from today."

Taking in that information, he shifted away from me and reached into his pocket as he began to talk. "I don't want you to freak out, but there's something I need to say … before we're thousands of miles apart." He looked down at his hands. "I'm gonna fumble this a bit, so please give me a chance to get this out. I can't imagine my life without you in it – now or in the future." He paused before looking up at me. "You have some thinking to do about whether you want to come back to Hearst with all the fallout from The Castle. And even if you return after a year in Spain … you have to decide if you want to stay in Neptune after you graduate." He was playing with something in his hand as he continued, "My business is here, so I'm here, for now at least. So, there would be things to consider – none of which we need to do now. But I want my intentions to be clear before you go." He opened his hand in front of me. There was a ring sitting on his palm. "This is not a proposal – so you can get that look off your face. This is a promise from me to you … that I want this to work, that I want to work on … whatever the hell we need to work on to make this work."

"But you have a ring in your hand."

"Yes. I do. My grandmother told me years ago that this ring was mine if I wanted it, whenever I wanted it. I just had to ask for it." With his empty hand, he reached for one of mine. "A couple days ago, I went to the B&B to ask her for it." He looked down at the ring as he continued, "When I was really little, she worked for another family … before the Echolls family. She used to help the wife with her gardening. The lady liked to do it herself, but she enjoyed having someone to talk to. One day when they were working in a flowerbed, my grandma found this ring in the dirt. She handed it to the woman. But she said it wasn't hers, said it must have been there from the previous owners. Told her to keep it. It's one of the few things of value she has."

Hesitantly, I began, "So … if I accept this ring from you … what would that mean to you?"

"That you're making the same promise … to try to make this work. You don't have to wear it – unless you want to. And it doesn't even have to mean that we're officially back together. Yet."

I nodded as I processed his words. "It's just a promise … to each other."

"Yes. A promise to try."

Carefully, I took the ring from his hand. "So, this is quite literally a 'promise ring.' Never thought I'd get one of those." A couple minutes passed as I looked at the substantial ruby set in a simple gold band.

Finally, he broke the silence as he took the ring from me. "You should try it on." As he slid it past the knuckle on my right-hand ring finger, he said, "Look at that! It fits."

"Perfectly."

He was smiling as he looked at me, but his eyes were sad as he asked, "So … twelve weeks?"

"Yeah."

Nodding, he said, "Mac's been trying to convince me to do something with my new computer."

"Meaning?"

"Social media, video calls, I don't know … she rattled off lots of things I'd heard of and more that I hadn't. She wants to set everything up … so we can keep in touch while you're gone. I'll try not to bother you if you're busy, but I want to be available … so that we can—"

"Work through stuff. Learn to communicate better."

He seemed relieved as he said, "Yeah."

"It seems we're back to this weirdly undefined relationship … not broken up, but not exactly together."

"You can call it whatever you want to call it."

I searched his eyes before saying, "If someone asked you about me … what would your answer be?

"I'd say … you're the love of my life. That's all they ever need to know."

Just then, my phone buzzed. It had buzzed at least a dozen times since he put me on the back of his bike to ride here. After taking it out of my pocket, I looked down at my phone. I saw messages from Mac and Wallace. Showing the screen to Eli, I said, "They're checking on me."

He took the phone from my hand and dialed. He put it on speaker. After one ring, I heard Mac's panicked voice say, "Veronica, where are you? I heard what happened in the food court. Your car is still in the parking lot. Are you okay?"

Eli put a finger on my lips and proceeded to answer for me. "She's at the beach. She's fine."

"Eli?!"

"Yeah."

"So … you're … together?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Um. I guess I can get details out of you two some other time."

Finally, he removed the finger from my lips so that I could respond to Mac. "We're just getting some things sorted."

I could hear the smile in her voice as she said, "About damn time."

* * *

**NOTE:**

What you can expect in **Part 4** :

She chooses to not return to Hearst, but she does not go to Stanford. She does eventually go to law school and get together with Piz, but only after living in another city and being involved with someone else. All the twists and turns here in **Part 4** will lead right up to the phone call from Logan at the beginning of the movie, which will begin **Part 5** of this series. By the end of **Part 5** , Eli and V will sort out all their shit, and WeeVer will finally get their happily ever after.

Starting now, there will be a HIATUS (approximately 2 months). After that, I will post the rest of **Part 4** and then immediately begin posting **Part 5**. If all goes according to plan, you should be reading the conclusion of **Part 5** approximately one year from now.

And if you haven't already done so, please … let me know what you thought of **Part 3**. Whether you loved it, hated it, found it confusing – I want to hear from you. Your feedback motivates me and makes me a better writer.

Thanks again for reading, particularly those of you who have been with me since the beginning (28 June 2016, to be exact). I find it hard to believe that it's been four years since I posted Chapter 1 of **Stall (Along the Road – Part 1)** on FF.net. That was the first time I wrote a VM fic. Thanks SO much for reading and encouraging me to continue writing.

When I am about to start posting new chapters of this fic, I will probably post a **one-shot** with a NOTE letting you know when to expect Chapter 2 of **Learning (Along the Road – part 4)**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following lines were borrowed from the movie Forget Paris (1995):  
> "What's the answer? Why is it going to work this time?"  
> "I don't know. But I know we're better together than we are apart."
> 
> See you in a few months. Stay safe and healthy!
> 
> Until next time …  
> ~Jen  
> 28 June 2020


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What?! A new chapter?! It's a Christmas miracle!
> 
> I truly did not mean for this hiatus to be 6 months long. Ugh, 2020! Real life has been ... well, it's been a lot.
> 
> But I won't bore you with all that. Let's get back to this series ...
> 
> Chapter 2 picks up right after Chapter 1.
> 
> Occurs between early and mid-May 2007.

As Eli said, "I'm hanging up now, Mac," my brain was still stuck on her earlier choice of words and his reply:

"So ... you're ... together?" Mac had asked.

And he had replied, "Yeah."

They had both seemed to blow past my comment: "We're just getting some things sorted."

I must have appeared distant as these things rolled around in my head because Eli touched my arm and asked, "You okay, Mia?"

Shaking away the fog, I said, "Yeah, but no." I looked up into his eyes. "You told her that we're together."

"No, I di—"

"Yeah, you did. She asked, and you said yes."

"I just meant that we were in the same place. That she didn't need to worry about you."

"Pretty sure that's not how she took it."

"Mia—"

"Please don't call me that. Not right now. Not yet." I closed my eyes and tried to gather my thoughts. "I'm glad we talked through the stuff in your letter ... I'm glad you finally told me what's been going on." Looking out at the water, I added, "It's a nice gesture, but it's gonna take some time this time."

He looked stunned, like I had slapped him. "But you accepted the ring. You said you wanted to try ... that we were okay."

"No, I said, 'We will be okay.' And I really do hope that, which is why I accepted the ring and I'm agreeing to try to work through our stuff. But ... Eli ... that doesn't mean that we're back together. It doesn't mean you can just jump right back in where you ended things ... and start calling me Mia again." Holding his gaze, I asked, "You know that, right? You pushed me away again. As much as I want to trust you won't do that to me again, the hurt part of me isn't that trusting right now."

After a moment, he responded. "Yeah. No, you're right. It's just that ... I'd really love it if we could skip ahead to our happy ending. But I get it."

I wasn't sure what to say. I wanted to believe that he truly understood where I was coming from, but part of me wondered if we weren't talking past one another again, making assumptions – each of us only hearing what we wanted to hear.

**~*~**

By the time he dropped me off at my car, I had agreed to the following: I would hold onto the ring for a while. And I would see him a few times before I left for my internship, including an afternoon at the B&B to visit with Letty.

Beyond that, I made no promises.

**~*~*~**

During finals week, I got an email from someone connected to the internship program at the FBI who was doing a little roommate matchmaking. She included contact info for another college student who would be interning.

When I called the girl – Seanna Lyn Rowell – I found out that she was subletting an apartment from a family friend, and her parents were covering the cost. She just needed a roomie. Not only did her parents not like the idea of her living alone for the summer, she genuinely wanted a roommate – someone to commiserate with at the end of the workday. It sounded ideal since it was a short distance from the building where we'd be working.

While we were talking, I called her Seanna, and she let me know that most people end up calling her Seanlyn, running her first and middle names together as one. But she added, "My friends call me Sean."

Dad got home just as I was saying, "Goodbye, Sean."

When I told him that I'd been talking to my new roomie, he asked, "How's Eli gonna feel about you rooming with a guy?"

"What?"

"I heard you say goodbye to Sean." He gestured to himself. "Highly skilled private investigator here."

"Sean … as in short for Seanna. Seanna Lyn to be exact," I said as I showed Dad the email, so he could see her name for himself.

"Well, make sure you tell Eli her full name. Better to avoid miscommunication."

Miscommunication. We'd definitely had our fair share of that.

**~*~*~**

That week, Eli made a point to check when I would be at Dad's office in between my studying for and taking my exams. Most days, he dropped by to have lunch or dinner with me. Sometimes, we ate with my dad; sometimes, we ate alone.

Our conversations never ventured into deep topics or dangerous territory. Mostly, we kept it to small talk, asking each other about our day. We both seemed to make an unspoken decision to not talk about my internship – at least until my finals were over.

**~*~*~**

On Friday, Eli joined me for lunch. As he was leaving, he reminded me that we had talked about going to the B&B for the afternoon on Saturday. He mentioned picking me up in the morning.

Just after he walked out the door, I heard voices in the hall. Then, Leo walked through the doorway.

He gave me that goofy, lopsided grin of his. "Guess I missed my window."

"Meaning?"

"Sounds like you got back together with Eli."

"Not exactly. But I did agree to give it a try."

"So, you'll be gone for the summer. And then what?"

"I'll be in Spain next school year."

"That's what you call 'giving it a try'?"

Just before Leo left, he said he'd like to keep in touch while I was away. He made sure he had my current contact info, but I didn't promise to respond.

I liked Leo. I really did. I always had. But part of my hesitance with Eli was that I wasn't sure I was ready to be in a relationship yet. I had realized that when I was with Piz. I couldn't just jump into a relationship with someone – Eli, Piz, Leo, whoever. I needed some time to sort through things on my own. Hopefully, the time in D.C. would be enough. If not, I'd have two semesters in Spain.

**~*~*~**

I was scheduled to leave for Washington the following week, and I still needed to pack. Dad would want some of my time before I left, but first, I spent some time with Eli, including a lazy Saturday afternoon at the B&B. I got to see Letty, hang out on the beach, and eat delicious food prepared by Bri and Letty.

Those two women were incredibly curious about the status of my relationship with Eli. They asked why I wasn't wearing the ring he had given to me. I danced around the edges of the truth as tactfully as I could. I did not feel comfortable getting into the details of our relationship with them. So, I just explained that I don't wear my good jewelry to the beach, adding that we were taking things slowly.

Bri gave me a look that seemed to say that she understood. Letty looked hopeful that everything was – well, to quote an old Lesley Gore song: "Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows. Everything that's wonderful is sure to come your way when you're in love to stay."

When I heard Letty ask Eli if he was going to have a going away party for me, I interrupted and said, "Not only is that not necessary, I really don't want anyone going to any trouble."

"It's no trouble," he said.

"Please, Eli ..."

"Just dinner with a few friends."

I rolled my eyes and said, "I'll think about it," just to get him to drop the subject.

**~*~*~**

With less than a week to go before I left for my internship, Dad took a new case that he just couldn't turn down. The only way we'd have any time together is if I helped around the office while he was on stake-out.

The knob on the radio in the office had broken off, so it was perpetually tuned to Dad's favorite oldies station. While I was doing some filing, a familiar Motown classic came on.

_"Like an eagle protects his nest, for you I'll do my best –_

_Stand by you like a tree, dare anybody to try and move me._

_Darling, in you I found strength where I was torn down._

_Don't know what's in store, but together we can open any door …_

_You're all I need to get by."_

The song made me think of Eli. The lyrics brought with them memories of what we had, what we lost, where we'd been, and all that we'd gotten through.

The same song – although it was a cover by another artist – had been playing one time when Eli had come over to eat with Dad and I. Snippets of that dinner conversation swirled through my mind. It had been a short time before everything with Thumper had blown up – Felix's death, the fake breakup, Eli out of the PCH Bike Club. As crazy as things were then, it had been simpler in many ways. We had stood shoulder to shoulder as we fought the darkness of Neptune; we had each other's backs against anything that came at us.

Although things were admittedly less dangerous right now, things were not nearly as straightforward or clearly defined.

One thing that remained the same: I knew that if I needed anything, Eli was one of the few people in this world I could count on. And in Neptune, that's not nothing.

**~*~*~**

When Eli told me that he had talked to our close friends and family about have a goodbye dinner for me, I almost asked him to call it off. I really didn't want this. Especially when they'd probably do something similar when I left for Spain at the end of the summer.

But the look in his eyes told me that he needed this. He needed the ceremonial sendoff, while doing something for me that didn't cross the boundary lines we had drawn. We had established that we were more than friends, but we hadn't even kissed – not a real kiss anyway – since before he broke up with me the night of Parker's party.

He was trying to be careful, not go overboard with some big gesture. A romantic dinner for two would definitely be too much right now, but a group dinner was his compromise between his desire and my expressed wishes. I could give him that.

I did at least convince him to keep the invite list for this event under a dozen people. However, I knew when it came to the goodbye bash in August, I would have very little say in the size of the guest list or the names on it.

Eli reserved a room that Luigi's used for large groups and private parties. The eleven of us were seated at one big table: Letty, Bri, Ben, Ophelia, Eli, Mac, Wallace, Darrell, Alicia, Dad, and me.

Although I had insisted I didn't want this, it was nice to be able to catch up with everyone before I left.

Mac and Wallace excitedly talked about their upcoming internships in Seattle. They would be staying with Duncan and Meg – Mac in the guest room, Wallace on the pullout couch in the den. It sounded like Duncan might be trying to convince Mac to work for Kane Software.

Wallace gave me an update on Jackie. Her son was doing well in school and was growing fast. And she had made Dean's List both semesters. He couldn't stop smiling the whole time he talked about her. It seemed the long-distance thing was working for them. In the middle of his contented rambling, he gave me a word of encouragement about being apart from Eli.

When Eli stepped away from the table for a couple minutes, Wallace briefly mentioned that Piz had already left for NYC to begin his internship with Pitchfork Media. Wallace also told me that Piz said he should have known better than to get between two people who were clearly soulmates. Apparently, Piz was feeling better, and his face barely showed evidence of the fight. I was glad to know he was okay; I hadn't talked to Piz since the day Eli pummeled him.

During dinner, I overheard snippets of conversation between Bri, Ben, Alicia, and Dad. There were a couple comments that made it sound like Dad and Alicia were thinking about moving in together. I mean, they had been dating a little over two years. But that would be a big deal. Probably more so for Darrell than for Wallace and me. Then again, if they moved in together, would that mean Dad and me moving into the Fennell house? Would there be enough space for all of us? Would they get a new house? Would I get back from Spain to find all my belongings in boxes in a new bedroom?

As I made a mental note to talk to my dad about the many questions in my head, I chose to set aside those questions for the moment and be present with these loved ones.

I had chosen to wear the ruby ring to dinner. While at the B&B, I had gotten away with the excuse that I didn't wear good jewelry to the beach. But I would have no such excuse tonight. It was a small gesture; hopefully, Eli wouldn't read too much into it. I had put it on my right hand, not my left.

Letty did not miss the fact that I had worn the ring she had given to Eli. In hushed voices, she and Bri tried to get info out of me again.

After listening for a few minutes, Ben interjected his opinion into our conversation: "He's scared as hell that you'll meet someone."

Bri looked at her husband and asked the question before I could: "He told you that?"

Shaking his head, Ben answered, "He didn't have to."

When I saw Mac get up from the table, I excused myself and followed her to the restroom. I told her what Ben had said. Then I asked if she'd mind talking to Eli and to find out if Ben was right – without telling Eli what Ben said, of course.

Mac's reply: "You know, Veronica, if the two of you are trying to improve your communication skills ... I don't know ... Have you considered asking Eli yourself? Give him an opportunity to tell you in his own words?"

"Simple. Direct. Honest. Mac, that's almost crazy enough to work."

"Just sharing my vast relationship wisdom."

When we got back to the table, I sat in the chair next to Eli. Leaning toward him, I whispered, "I was wondering if you had time tonight ... to talk." Seeing the look of surprise and hesitance on his face, I continued, "Maybe you could give me a ride home? It would give us a few minutes alone."

"Sure," was all he said.

As everyone got up to leave and hugged each other goodbye, I let Dad know that Eli would be driving me home. I could tell Dad was curious, but he didn't ask. Good thing. Not sure I'd have had an answer for him.

A few of our group gave us looks when they saw Eli and I walk together to his car. He opened the passenger door and placed a hand at the small of my back as I got in. After he shut the door, I took a moment to gather my thoughts as he walked around to the driver's side.

He didn't start the car right away. Instead, he played with his keys and stared out his window.

I reached over and placed my hand on his forearm, causing him to flinch. "Eli. You seem ... I don't know ... nervous or worried or ... something."

Still not looking at me, he said, "Yeah, I'm ... something." He put the key in the ignition before placing his hands at the top the steering wheel. Then he dropped his forehead onto the backs of his hands. Finally, he said, "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells lately. Trying to say all the right things, do everything perfect. Because I only have a few days. And then you're gone."

"But I'll be back."

"Will you? I mean, for longer than holiday breaks and summer vacations?"

I wanted to tell him: Yes, of course, I'll be back long-term. But I couldn't say that for sure. So much had changed in the past year. If Dr. Landry and Dean O'Dell had not put their weight behind my FBI application, I don't know if I would have pursued this. If my advisor had not encouraged me to look at and apply for the year abroad program, I definitely would not have pursued that. But now that these opportunities were in front of me, my thoughts kept going back to the plan I had before Eli and I had gotten serious: I had planned to get out of Neptune as fast as possible after graduation – and never look back. But I had stayed. And still, these opportunities to leave had found me. I'm not big believer in signs, but I am a big believer that there are no coincidences. So the questions I had to ask myself: Were these opportunities merely momentary diversions before I returned to life in Neptune? Or were these experiences my path to the next opportunity that would be my ticket out?

So ... how should I respond to his question? Would I be coming back? I didn't really have an answer to that.

Instead, I asked him a question: "Where is this coming from?"

"That's something I've been talking to my therapist about."

"Is it something you should talk to me about?"

"Probably. But ... I'm scared."

Placing my hand on his, I said softly, "Eli, you can tell me. Whatever it is."

He let out a brief laugh and then said, "That's what I'm doing." He turned to look at me. "I'm telling you that I'm scared. Scared that I'm losing you ... for good. That when you leave, you're not coming back." He let out a long sigh. "With you just a few miles away, on the other side of town, it was easier to deal with us not being together. At least, you were ... nearby, I knew that you were okay."

"So, you're worried that you can't protect me if something happens while I'm away?"

"Yeah, but it's more than that." He turned his head to look out the window. "As many times as I've told you that you deserve better, I'm scared of what happens when you find out how true that is."

Damn. Ben was right.

Before I could formulate a reply, he continued: "All I know for sure is that I don't want this to be the end of our story. I mean, our love story was ..."

"Yeah," I sighed. Looking out the window, I began to think aloud. "But all love stories have an end. Eventually. It's built right into wedding vows: Til death do us part."

"So you think love instantly vanishes when one person dies?"

"No. But their story as a couple ends. I'm just saying that every story has a beginning, middle, and end. I'm not sure where we are in our story. Definitely not the beginning ..."

"You think this might be the end?"

"I don't know. There is so much happening in my life right now. I'm ... I guess, I don't know ... maybe I'm afraid to make any big decisions right now."

"Big decisions?"

"Eli, you gave me a ring and declared your intention to spend the rest of your life with me. I know you said it wasn't a proposal, but it was pretty damn close. If we just picked up where we left off ... I don't know ... I don't know if I feel like I can ... I mean, I'm trying to figure out if we can even communicate with one another ... and if my heart has healed enough to be in a relationship again."

He was quiet for a moment before asking, "Where does that leave us?"

"Right where we've been the past week. Spending time together again. Learning to communicate. Seeing where that takes us."

"The selfish part of me wants to ask you to ... to make you stay. But I can't do that. It would be wrong. And unfair."

His voice was even and calm as he admitted these things. He had changed in the past few months. I wondered if he recognized how much he had changed.

"Veronica, when I began to imagine my future, to dream bigger and aim for goals I wasn't even sure I could reach, you encouraged me and supported me. You never did anything to make me doubt myself or to hold me back. I love you for that and so many other reasons. And that's why I know I have to let you go – even though it's painful and I'm scared we won't survive your time away. You deserve to experience everything the world has to offer you and for the world to find out exactly how amazing you are."

All I could say was: "Thank you."

He nodded, as if to signal that we were done talking. Then, he started the car and drove me home.

When we got to my apartment building, he turned off the car and started to get out. I placed a hand on his arm and shook my head.

"I was gonna walk you to your door."

"Not necessary."

"V, one last time." His voice and eyes were sad as he said it.

I nodded my agreement as I said, "Okay."

The whole way to my apartment, he had his hands in his pockets.

We stood awkwardly at the door. I had my keys in my hand, and I noticed that my dad was not in the living room.

"Your flight leaves in two days?"

"Yeah. I have to finish packing tomorrow. And Dad wants some daddy-daughter time."

"Mind if I drop by tomorrow while you pack?"

"No, that's fine."

"Okay, I'll text you in the morning." He rocked back on his heels. His hands were still in his pockets.

As I placed a hand on his shoulder, I kissed his cheek and thanked him for the ride home.

One of his arms wrapped around me as he said, "Thanks for giving me the opportunity to talk tonight."

I leaned into his embrace, both my arms going around his shoulders as his arms tightened around my torso. "Goodnight," I said into his ear before I stepped out of his arms and away from him.

He nodded and waited for me to unlock my door. Then, he turned, and I watched him walk away from me.

As soon as I shut the door behind me, Dad came out of his room. "You okay, honey?"

"I have no idea." It was an honest answer – and the best one I had at the moment.

**~*~*~**

The next day, Eli was a big help, especially carrying things back and forth to the laundry room. It made the process move a little faster and gave me some unexpected extra time. Although I was just packing for my summer internship, I was trying to think ahead to packing for my year abroad. My days had been crazy busy the past couple weeks as I finished up the school year and prepared to leave for Washington. The time between the internship and my departure for Spain would be no less hectic. So, I was trying to do a bit of advance planning. As I packed for D.C., I set aside things I knew I would want in the fall. I also made a list of things I would need to do during those few weeks home – things I would need to buy, things to find and pack.

This slowed down the process of packing for this trip, but it should make the next packing process run more smoothly. One would hope.

In the midst of me trying to do one too many things – okay, at least four too many things – I found myself quoting one of Dad's favorite sit-coms, _M*A*S*H_ : "My kingdom for an intelligent octopus!"

Eli just laughed at my frustration. When I glared at him, he offered to help. But honestly, it would probably take longer to explain what I was trying to do than it would take to do it myself. I needed more hands. Or I needed to figure out how to clone myself.

I knew he had noticed that the ring was not on my right hand, where it had been the night before. At some point, I leaned over to pick something up, and the chain that had been under my T-shirt slipped out. As I stood, he walked over to me – sauntered was more like it. A cocky grin played at the corner of his mouth. He was more like his normal self today, more at ease.

Looking down at the ring hanging from the chain around my neck, he smiled and said, "My promise looks good on you." He didn't seem to mind that it wasn't on my hand. He reached out to play with the ring.

It was one of those highly charged moments. I swallowed hard and waited to see what he would do next. In the past, I would have expected him to kiss me. I wasn't sure if I wanted him to or not.

He must have sensed that, because he took a step back as he said, "You know I don't break my promises."

"I know." And I did. It was one of the few certainties in my universe.

Dad popped his head through my bedroom doorway to let us know what time it was – meaning that I needed to finish up so he and I could have daddy-daughter time.

Eli stood in the doorway to my bathroom and watched as I began to get ready to go out – brushing my hair and touching up my makeup. The moment was not as awkward as I would have expected a few days ago.

"So, your flight is at 10:00 tomorrow morning?"

"Yeah." I tucked a few things in my purse as I walked to the closet to grab a jacket.

"Are we saying our goodbyes now? Or can I drop by before you leave for the airport?"

"Up to you."

"Well just in case something happens and I don't see you in the morning, I'll give you a hug now. And if I can't be here to say goodbye in person, I'll give you a call."

I nodded and said, "Okay," as he stepped toward me with his arms open.

As I leaned against his chest, I thought of the many times I had been in his arms. For the past couple years, this had been my safe place. To think that I wouldn't have this for most of the next year ... it was kinda scary. It was the unknown. Not having Eli and my dad around to give me hugs, to love me and protect me – what would that be like?

He placed a kiss at my temple as his hand stroked the back of my head. "Your dad's probably getting impatient."

When he and I walked out into the living room, my father was indeed waiting for me. As soon as Dad grabbed his keys, the three of us walked down to the parking lot together.

After Eli opened the passenger door of my dad's car, he kissed my cheek and said, "See you in the morning." He gave a nod to my dad and waved as he walked toward his bike.

**~*~**

Dad must have been planning this for weeks. The evening's schedule was packed. First, we ate dinner at our favorite cafe. After that, we went to the boardwalk to play games. Last thing before going home, we stopped for dessert – waffles and ice cream. When we got back to the apartment, he gave me instructions to change into my PJs and then join him on the couch to watch the _South Park_ movie. When I warned him that I might fall asleep before it was over, he told me not to worry about it, that he would carry me to bed.

**~*~*~**

Dad had apparently invited Eli to join us for breakfast, because he was sitting at the counter when I walked out of my bedroom in the morning. After we were done eating, Dad told me to finish getting ready while he did the dishes.

Eli stayed in the kitchen, talking to Dad for a while before joining me in my room. He didn't say anything, he just watched me moving back and forth between my bags and the bathroom.

A couple minutes later, Dad walked in and picked up my suitcase, saying, "When you're ready, I'll be waiting in the car."

After my dad closed the apartment door, Eli said, "Nice of him to give us a moment alone." As I nodded my agreement, he stepped toward me. "Gonna be a long summer." He placed his hands at my waist and then pressed his lips to my forehead.

When he leaned away, I stared at him for a moment before saying, "Think of it as a good opportunity for us to communicate without the complication of dating."

He looked like he was about to respond, but he didn't say anything. Instead, he kissed me. And it was like a jolt to my entire nervous system. My heart rate sped up. Parts of my body ached for his touch. In zero to sixty seconds, the hormonal rush had gone from the warmth of flushed cheeks to the heat of ravenous craving.

After he broke the kiss, he finally responded to my earlier comment. "The truth is ... I'd rather be dating you ... than doing whatever this is."

I dropped my head to his chest, unable to meet his eyes. "Eli ... I'm not there yet." That statement was part truth, part lie. I wasn't ready for dating and commitment, but if he had offered me a quickie, I don't think I'd have had the strength to turn him down.

He placed a hand on the back of my head and pressed a kiss to my hair.

We stood there like that for a couple minutes, my head still resting on his chest. Finally, he said, "Text me when you get there, so I don't worry. And then let me know what your schedule will be ... when you'll have time to talk."

"I will. But I'm sure I'll have time to call once in a while, like we talked about."

"Video call. I want to see your face light up when you tell me what an amazing time you're having." He kissed my head again before stepping out of my embrace.

Eli walked me down to the car and said goodbye there. When he turned toward his car, he didn't look back over his shoulder.

As Dad pulled out of the parking lot and turned in the direction of the airport, I glanced back for one last look at Eli.

"Are you okay, honey?"

"Not sure. It still hurts, you know – even after his apology and explanation, after talking through the stuff that neither of us said before the breakup. I mean ... I still love him. And I trust him with my life. But I'm not sure if my heart trusts him not to hurt me again."

"I've learned a thing or two about love during my life. There are some things I'm not sure I'll ever figure out, but I do know this: Love involves risk. When you truly give your heart to someone, it's a gamble. You never know what the outcome will be. But if you hold back, you'll never find out." Looking me in the eye, he added, "At some point, you have to decide if it's worth the risk."

"I don't think I could survive that level of pain one more time. Not sure how I would recover from that."

"You have no idea how much every parent wishes that they could prevent their kids from going through painful experiences. We would do anything to spare you from that. But that's not how life works."

"I know. I know all of that."

"Well, I'm here if you need me. Always just a phone call away."

"I know that too. Thanks, Dad. I love you."

"I love you too, kiddo."

**~*~**

The goodbye scene between my father and me played out just the way you would expect: sappy and tear-filled. He had walked with me as far as he was allowed to. As I walked the rest of the way from there to the plane, I finally felt it – the fact that I was truly on my own for the first time.

After getting settled into my window seat, I pulled out my phone to turn it off and saw that I had gotten a text from Eli: _I miss you already._

Honestly, I wasn't sure how to reply to that, so I didn't. I decided to give myself until my plane landed in Washington to come up with a reply. After pressing the power button, I put my phone in my bag.

As the plane took off, I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. My mind replayed recent conversations with Eli and the things my father had said in the car this morning.

There were two questions that needed answers:

Was it worth the work it would take to repair and rebuild our relationship?

Was it worth the risk to open up my heart again?

Even if nothing was resolved by the time I returned from D.C., I would only be home a couple weeks before I left again. And then I wouldn't be home until Christmas break. That meant that I would only be in Neptune approximately two months in the next year.

Although it scared Eli, I welcomed the distance and the time apart. I needed that space to figure things out. At the moment, I felt like that would be easier to do if I was not within his gravitational pull.

Like this morning. When he kissed me.

Damn him. Why did he have to be such a good kisser?

Even now, cruising at 30,000 feet, I could feel the tug on my heartstrings. And that tug was more like a tractor beam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes and song lyrics:
> 
> "Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows" – Lesley Gore (1963)
> 
> "You're All I Need to Get By" – Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell duet (1968). [Previous use of these lyrics was in Chapter 9 of Process (Along the Road – Part 2).]
> 
> I pulled/adapted some dialogue between Mac and Veronica from #3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down": "Have you considered ..." through "Just sharing my vast relationship knowledge."
> 
> The line "My kingdom for an intelligent octopus!" was said by Hawkeye (played by Alan Alda) in M*A*S*H #2.11 "Carry On, Hawkeye."
> 
> [
> 
> Wishing you and yours a wonderful holiday season filled with love, joy, light, and health.
> 
> Until next time ...
> 
> ~Jen
> 
> 25 December 2020


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